Wishing 

Sometimes I like to lie and tell myself I know I’m happy and I know I’ll never want any thing more then what I already have.

I tell everyone else the same. I’m happy. My life is perfect. I love my small family.

Although this may not be a total lie…I am very happy. However I do wish I could have more. 

I love my daughter. She is more then I could have ever hoped for. I had her against all odds with everyone against me on it. 

I would love to have another one. I don’t want to adopt (I know it’s an amazing thing and so many kids need homes). I want to conceive and carry my own child. 

Sure I could. I could I ahead and try it. But my first pregnancy went so well I feel like the second could have problems. Problems could result in my daughter losing her mother. 

I see babies, I see families growing, I see my daughters love for other children and I want that. 

Yes I’m happy. And I am so happy for those who are around me! And I am so happy to be apart of their lives and their families. 

I would love to have the option to grow my family though. The ability to let it happen when it’s time. If it happens it happens and if not that’s okay. 

I don’t have that. I have huge decisions to make. 
So many will tell me it’s not with it, why want more? Why risk anything? Why aren’t you happy? I can’t explain it.

I just want the ability to let things happen when it’s meant to. Without the fear of problems and loss. 

I love you Caidence lee, and I’m sorry I can’t give you a sibling…..

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