Happy/Sad 

When all you want to do is be happy for someone when they find out great news, but you can’t be. 

You can’t be happy because that person never wanted it, because that person isn’t ready, and because that person is close to you. 

You can’t be happy because you want it, you are ready, and you are prepared. 

But it’s not safe for you, however for them it’s just another day. 

It’s dangerous and life threatening for you, but for them it’s just another oops. 

Your happy. You love or life. But you could add to it. You would love to add to it. 

They aren’t. 

I am happy for them….but sad….

Can you say selfish? 

Wishing 

Sometimes I like to lie and tell myself I know I’m happy and I know I’ll never want any thing more then what I already have.

I tell everyone else the same. I’m happy. My life is perfect. I love my small family.

Although this may not be a total lie…I am very happy. However I do wish I could have more. 

I love my daughter. She is more then I could have ever hoped for. I had her against all odds with everyone against me on it. 

I would love to have another one. I don’t want to adopt (I know it’s an amazing thing and so many kids need homes). I want to conceive and carry my own child. 

Sure I could. I could I ahead and try it. But my first pregnancy went so well I feel like the second could have problems. Problems could result in my daughter losing her mother. 

I see babies, I see families growing, I see my daughters love for other children and I want that. 

Yes I’m happy. And I am so happy for those who are around me! And I am so happy to be apart of their lives and their families. 

I would love to have the option to grow my family though. The ability to let it happen when it’s time. If it happens it happens and if not that’s okay. 

I don’t have that. I have huge decisions to make. 
So many will tell me it’s not with it, why want more? Why risk anything? Why aren’t you happy? I can’t explain it.

I just want the ability to let things happen when it’s meant to. Without the fear of problems and loss. 

I love you Caidence lee, and I’m sorry I can’t give you a sibling…..